A Question Needs An Answer

It takes a special person to work with kindergartners. I can't imagine spending my life with a room full of other people's kids. I am terribly uncomfortable around kids; until they reach Junior High ages. I suppose we should all be glad that there are people out there with that rather warped desire to work with little kids.

Diane is one of those people. Even to this day, a source of joy for her is helping run the church nursery. How she can enjoy changing diapers, wiping up spit-up and trying to figure out what a person who can't communicate is trying to say is beyond me. She loves it, though.

Diane was a teacher when we met. She taught an all-day Kindergarten class at Sherman School in Milwaukee during the first couple of years of our marriage. She adored her class; and they adored her. Many of Diane's kids came from very difficult home situations; from not knowing their fathers to having one or more parent incarcerated. Many lived surrounded by drugs and alcohol in their home.

Diane loved those kids and sought to, not only educate them, but to give them a few hours of structure and love and security each day. For some of her kids; those few hours might be the only structure, love and security they felt.

I never had teachers like Diane. No, I had Mrs. Nachwhite. Let that name float around in your mind for a moment and you will know exactly what I had to endure in school.

One year, Diane decided her classroom needed a pet. Not just any pet would do; mind you. It had to be a pet that didn't make noise - so no critter that runs on one of those wheels, didn't smell - further eliminating all varieties of rodents, was easy to take care of and could be left in the classroom over the weekend without concern.

I suggested the perfect classroom pet; a snake! Diane's immediate response was exactly what a "normal" person would expect, "Are you crazy??? NO!!!!" Once she got her wits about her, though, her first question was, "Who in their right mind would want a snake?" The answer, of course, was no one. Which is exactly why I love snakes! I have been told that I have two left brains so I am never in my right mind.

I love snakes. To those of you who may have ridiculed me in thought or word for my deathly fear of horses I have only one thing to say. "Neener Neener Neener!" I would be delighted to acquaint you with snakes at any time. Snakes are amazingly beautiful animals. They are perfectly designed to be the most phenomenal predator; able to hunt, capture, kill and consume prey many times their size; all without the benefit of having arms or legs.

What a perfect animal - and a perfect classroom pet!!

Captive snakes are typically fed once per week. They normally only "go to the bathroom" once a week, also. They are nearly maintenance free as long as they have fresh water, a hiding spot and appropriate heat and humidity. They are quiet and, as long as you clean the cage when they go to the bathroom, they are largely odor free.

Yes - a snake would make the perfect pet for Diane's kindergarten classroom!

After much convincing; Diane agreed to go to the pet store to look at snakes. I told the reptile specialist at the store that I wanted a very docile young snake. One that could handle the environment of a classroom full of five and six year old little darlings. He showed us a beautiful Corn Snake. It was spectacular in every way; beautifully patterned and colorful. Corn Snakes make great pets. They are very docile and probably the easiest snake to care for; which makes them the most common "first" snake for people. The only problem with this one was its size. It was already an adult; approximately four feet long, and I didn't think it would necessarily adapt to the classroom well.

He had another herpetarium with a beautiful, and very young, Great Plains Rat Snake. I did everything I could to get the snake to bite me. I know that sounds strange, but I would rather find out if the snake was prone to bite by having it bite me instead of one of Diane's little darlings. She would never forgive me if that happened. Despite my most intense efforts; the snake refused to bite me.

This was the one!

We bought the snake and a myriad of supplies to get a nice herpetarium set up in Diane's classroom. Diane didn't really want to just have it show up in the classroom without the little darlings having any clue about snakes so she asked me to bring the snake toward the end of a particular school day to teach the little darlings about him; how to hold him, how to touch him, how to feed him and get his herpetarium set up in the classroom.

It seemed like such a good idea... Unfortunately, things aren't always what they seem.

I took time off work and arrived at the school at the appointed time. I had Lefty in a pillowcase for transportation. (Diane hated the name and came up with some other name for him in her classroom. I thought Lefty was a great name for an efficient predator with no arms or legs. It really doesn't matter what you call a snake since they are totally deaf and they're certainly not coming when they are called anyway.)

So I set up the herpetarium and got Lefty so the little darlings could meet him. I taught them all about snakes. I let them watch how he moved across the floor. I showed them how to hold him and explained how he could disjoint his jaw to eat mice much larger than him. Over the next half hour, or so, I gave these little darlings a complete and thorough education about snakes in general; and Lefty in particular.

They sat nicely and looked at me with a rather glazed look in their collective eyes. I could tell they were mesmerized by my presentation.

After completing my presentation I naively asked if they had any questions. I quickly realized that was probably the dumbest question a person could possibly ask when completely encircled by five and six year olds! Hands shot up all around the circle. I picked one...

"My uncle saw a snake in..."

Diane gently interrupted the little darling with the reminder, "Remember, boys and girls, a question needs an answer."

They all nodded dutifully. Okay, on to the next one. I picked another one...

"We were at the zoo and..."

Again, Diane gently interrupted with the same reminder. I was beginning to think that this we a huge mistake.

This pattern continued for quite a while; I would point to a little darling and they would begin to regale me with some story or another that may or may not actually involve a snake. Each time, Diane would patiently and gently remind them that stories are when you are telling someone something but questions were for when you wanted someone to tell you something. Each reminder included those words, "Remember, boys and girls, a question needs an answer."

This went on for at least an hour; or maybe ten minutes. I can't really remember because my mind was mush by this time. The only thought in my mind was, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!"

After what seemed an eternity; the bell rang to end the school day. Diane helped all of her little darlings get everything together and on their way home. Then, she had the nerve to turn to me and say, "Wasn't that wonderful! I think the kids enjoyed it very much and learned a lot." The real kicker, though was a comment she made along the lines of, "They even came up with some good questions."

WHAT????

She was kidding, right???

The only question any of the little darlings asked was one boy wanting to know how a snake goes to the bathroom!!!

How could anyone think spending what seemed like a week in a classroom full of five and six year old little darlings had been a wonderful experience?

Maybe that was one question to which I didn't really want to know the answer...